


Lifehacks don't actually hack life

by RPFuck (Caliras)



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - Evil, Divorce, Minor Original Character(s), Out of Character, Pre-Relationship, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25502308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caliras/pseuds/RPFuck
Summary: Basically just Lifehack!Drew and Evil!Danny because I thought the dynamic would be funny.Warning! This fic is incomplete and will never be completed by me. I don't like it anymore and I have no idea how to proceed. The reason I'm posting this is because the concept is still kinda funny to me and I thought others might get a kick out of it.
Relationships: Danny Gonzalez/Drew Gooden
Kudos: 9





	Lifehacks don't actually hack life

**Author's Note:**

> Some rules because this was written about real people or contains caricatures of them. Reading further than the rules means you accept them.
> 
>   1. Do not harass the people I’ve written about- while this should go without saying, do _**not**_ bring this up to them. If I find out that somebody is doing this, I will lock the fic so that only registered users can read it. If you are someone I’ve written about and are uncomfortable with RPF, tell me and I will remove my fics. I don't really mind. My twitter is [@_RPFuck_](https://twitter.com/_RPFuck_) if you'd like to contact me. If anyone I write about says they are uncomfortable with RPF, I will remove it once I’m aware.
>   2. If this fic is deleted and you have it downloaded or saved it through other means, don’t reupload it. Don’t.
>   3. If you are unused to the site, heed the tags. They’re there for a reason.
>   4. (Optional since I know how anxiety is sometimes) If you have anything that says that the people I am writing about are uncomfortable with RPF, I would really appreciate it if you sent it to me. Also, if it’s a ship fic and they have a partner or partners who are uncomfortable with it, feel free to send that over too!
> 

> 
> That’s it for the rules, so thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the fic!
> 
> * * *
> 
> Other notes; Due to this being incomplete it is unedited and quite frankly I didn't proof-read it. This means, among other things, that some transitions I'd fix during editing are Not Great. If there is a part in the middle that doesn't make sense, I might come back to fix that if you mention it, but otherwise I'm just leaving it alone. In other news, I try to be funny, but, unfortunately, I am not. Hope you all have fun anyways, lmao

“I’ll see you guys next time with a really interesting video where I not only take over the tristate area, but I also find out how many years in prison that gets me. Bye!” Leaning forward, Danny turned off his camera, releasing a sigh.

Youtube was… exhausting, to put it bluntly. Having to keep up a facade of ‘Hi, I’m friendly’ and ‘Haha, look at these people who can’t seem to figure out how people act/work despite being a people themselves’ or even ‘Wtf, these people are abusing the platform they are on to exploit people’. Now, all this he wouldn’t mind if he actually enjoyed doing this, or at least, wasn’t forced to do it- he knew others doing the same thing were happy with their position. But the “company” he worked for was rather, er, stupid. And that was putting it politely. But, whatever, he was the one who joined them, though he was really expecting… better. For an evil organization that claimed to be ‘the best’ and ‘ready to take over the world’, they sure didn’t have the sharpest tools in the ‘totally used for gardening’ shed.

It makes him sick to think he actually joined them. But whatever, he did have some friends in there so it wasn’t all so bad. But still. Having to make Youtube videos to ‘try to brainwash susceptible people’ wasn’t so great. Then again, with the type of content he makes, he’s beginning to think it might not be so unrealistic. Of course, he wasn’t the only one made to do an odd job, since the organization was attempting to spread out even further and quicker, pretty much everybody who had joined were all kind of in a ‘testing hell’. Like poor Sabrina, who was now attempting to make their own music, much to their disgust. Like, they preferred painting! Why couldn't they just make subtle messages in art! And as for David- well, actually, he quit.

Which was sounding like a fantastic idea right about now. The whole entire thing was just a poorly thought out miserable mess. The fact of the matter was that the best idea that they’d had in years- was, get this- marriage. Fan-fucking-tastic. They’d given everyone who had a partner the chance to get married to them, real documents and everything, surprisingly enough. You’d think they’d be faked, but this ensured safety for all the ‘couples’. Since his partner from the organization, Laura, was great, they’d both jumped on the chance. It made it so much easier to make plans instead of ‘Meet me down by the coffee shop, you know the one, usual time’ because that was a pain. Instead, they could just meet up wherever in the house and whenever they did go out in public together, nobody thought anything of it. Sharing the rent, having someone to bounce ideas off of, and sharing the workload of a house was all grand, but still. The best idea they had in years? Seriously?

Laura, by the way, actually got something she liked, lucky her. She helped the scientists with their non-lethal experiments, acting as a tester and as a creative insight. She made sure that things like ‘A gun that only fires hair’ **_never_** went out in the field, thank god. She was probably, no, _definitely_ smarter than the entire science division combined. The only thing was, she much preferred being out in the field, which he’s certain the higher-ups didn’t like. But, whatever, they couldn’t do much about it and it meant he got to have who was basically his platonic soulmate as his wife. So, like, things were going pretty alright. His phone went off. Looking at the screen, he grinned, day brighter already. After all, the one who was calling him was the only person who made Youtube bearable.

Smiling, he picked up, “Hey Drew!”

“Hey, Danny.” Came the morose response, sadness practically wafting through the phone.

Danny felt his heart sink, “Drew? Hey, what’s up? You okay?”

“Well it’s just that… my wife left me.”

“What?? Why?”

“She said it was because of my ‘dumb life hacks’,” Drew explained, and Danny could almost see him making air quotes with his fingers.

“But your life hacks are so good!” They aren’t.

“I know, right?! I think the last straw was the wheels on the bathtub. Because you know how you can never figure out how to use the shower at somebody else's house? Yeah- so I just decided to make _my_ shower portable. That way, there’s no confusion.”

There was a beat of silence where Danny expected him to continue, but quickly realized that he was waiting for some kind of response, “...Oh! Uh, uh-huh. Makes sense.”

“Right?! But according to her ‘the wheels are just glued on so it wouldn’t even move’ and ‘the shower is still attached to the wall, it literally can’t move’ and even ‘Drew, how are you supposed to get water in it?’. But this all ended up being ‘Drew, I can’t take this anymore, I’m leaving you’. And I just don’t get it! The life hack was flawless! Except for the water part, she might have had a point about that.”

“Yeah, it sounds like a great idea.” Not really. “I mean, I guess you could just attach a water barrel to it?”

The phone went silent. Not sure whether or not he did something wrong, he opened his mouth to apologize but closed it again. Drew would tell him… right? In an attempt to calm down, he took a sip of his water… at the exact wrong time.

“How much do you think a water tower costs?”

He choked, water spewing out of his mouth. Good thing his monitor needed cleaning anyways. Desperately trying to not only wipe water from his screen but to also keep his coughing to a minimum so as to not alert Drew, he almost missed Drew’s response.

“...Danny? You okay?”

He was choking, he couldn’t see anything from the tears in his eyes, and he still had to edit a video. His response?

“Yeah, yeah, I’m-” He turned away from his phone to try to cough up any remaining liquid, “I’m all good. Just got a little distracted. But, uh, did you say water tower?”

“Yeah. For my portable shower.” Danny could almost hear the ‘duh’ tacked onto the end.

“Right. For your… _portable_ … shower.”

“That’s… that’s what I just said.”

“I-I know! I was just thinking about how, uh, brilliant it is!” Was it too late to say that it wasn't?

“ _Thank you_. I’m glad _somebody_ gets me.”

“...Yeah.”

There was a moment of silence that Danny had no idea how to break, but luckily, it was broken for him, “Well, anyways, I gotta go find a table saw for my next lifehack.”

“Oh, well, that's cool... what lifehack...?”

“It’s a SECRET, _Danny_.”

“Ah. Do you even have a table saw?”

“I don’t think so, but luckily, I know about a lifehack on how to make one.”

Well that didn’t sound promising, “Please stay safe.”

“No.”

The line clicked with a sudden finality. For a good, long moment, he could do nothing but sit there, stunned. What the actual, genuine _fuck_ just happened? How could so much transpire in just one conversation? He scrubbed his face with his hands, pressing his palms into his eyelids. Removing his hands, and hardly even thinking, he dialed the first person that came to mind.

“Yello?”

“Hey, Kurtis, so I know what you said about Drew, but please, we _need_ him in the science division.”

A static sigh emanated from the phone, “Danny, no, we’ve talked about this.”

“Oh, come on! It’s a great idea! These scientists have no idea how to think outside the box in a way that matters. We need something to shake them up a little.”

“Not only is he a civilian, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t know lab safety if it hit him. And it probably would.”

“I _know_ the lab is dangerous, my wife works there. I’m saying it would totally be worth it. Just get him, like, a babysitter or something.”

“... A babysitter?”

Danny rolled his eyes, despite knowing Kurtis couldn’t see it, “You know exactly what I meant. Though I suppose it wouldn’t matter all that much if we got an actual babysitter.”

He could feel disappointment radiating out of his phone as the silence stretched on, “Danny.”

“You know I’m right.”

“... I’m hanging up.”

“Okay. But I’m asking Drew how he feels about evil organizations.”

“Don’t. You. Dare.”

“Ugh, this is why we never progress. You all have no sense of fun.”

The line abruptly cut out. Sighing, he tossed his phone onto his desk, leaning back in his chair. Well, he supposed that that was fair. To be completely honest, he had no idea what position Kurtis was in, only that he was one of the higher ups. Whatever. He’s certain that Kurtis could at least _try_ to bring it up in a meeting or something. Stretching, he let his mind wander to what needed to be done. Well, he needed to edit of course, make dinner, and prepare for Drew coming over. He stilled. Oh yeah. The day after tomorrow, he was coming over. Actually, was that still on?? Dude literally just got divorced. Should... should he ask?? _How_ would he ask? And how insensitive would that be?? You know what, he was just going to prepare and if it didn’t happen, then it didn’t happen.

**Author's Note:**

> So yep, that's all I have. I hope you all found some fun in it despite it being short and incomplete. Also I just. Fucking love dumb evil organizations. Like, they're trying so hard but it just never works out and it's fantastic. Plus during the whole setting up bit my brain just kept going SMART WIFE SMART WIFE SMART WIFE despite being aro/ace which was great.
> 
> If there is anybody that wants to complete this, then I'll gladly give them complete creative control over the story.


End file.
